Diary of Heartache
by PhantomSith
Summary: An insight to Christine Daae's life after the events of the Opera Garnier and her struggle to find solace with all the things that transpired because of her.


**Author's Note: **This story is a tie in to _**End of the Ghost Story **_told wholly in Christine's perspective. This will give some insight that my other story could never possibly achieve(Such as Christine's actions in Chapter 7), since Charles either did not exist or too young to know, and Erik not being around to see it. Updates are going to random/sporadic and wholly depending on my muse at the time being. As a further note, this is intentionally written to be like a diary with some exceptions, which is a reason why many chapters will be fairly short. Full-sized Cover will be on my Deviant Art soon.

Enjoy, and please tell me what you think!_  
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_**January 8th, 1897**_

_My God... how could I leave him like that? Cold, alone, unwanted..._

_I suppose in a way, I had little say in what happened in the end. Yet I know my actions could have spared us all this wretched pain stabbing an endless line of needles into our wounded hearts. I should have been stronger in this, I caused this, and I alone should bear the burden of my misdeeds, even if they were privy to my naivety. Naivety that has entrapped us into this twisted torture that will bring us pain until our end of days._

_For many, love can happen with a glance... For me, it was both love at first memory, and first note..._

_What am I to do when my heart belongs to one man and my soul longs for another?_

_I left him..._

_I wanted to stay..._

_Erik let us go to live in joyous sunlight at the expense at his own happiness. Only then did I realize how much he truly loved me—to sacrifice his happiness so I may have mine. After all I've done, he could have been perfectly evil and forced me to stay. I would have no right to blame him for that; I know I deserve such a fate._

_But it is in this freedom he gave me that I realized who he truly is as a person—to spite the twisted mind the world hammered into him. He only acted as the world both anticipated and made him to act. When you've only ever been declared a monster by everyone around you, even me, how can you not be the only thing you ever heard others call you, day in, day out. How can anyone withstand that? How long could someone withstand it? Were it I, I think I would have been broken and beaten long along by fate and reality._

_He had a heart of gold when all the pieces fell into place, even if those pieces were not in his favor. Somehow, he has taken this endless of myriad of character and physical beatings in elegant stride. He has not fully let these things put him into a finalistic path of self-destruction. Is he not a survivor through and through?_

_I do not know. Oh God, I wish I did._

_I wish so many things...to be wiser, clever...something more than I am now to avoid this heartache._

_I love two men._

_I knew I loved one long before the other. Yet...I am unsure of even that._

_That kiss... that kiss... What can I say of it? I kissed Erik to save my first love. That kiss held far more exciting, impassioned feeling than any I have shared with Raoul. Do not mistake me! Every kiss with Raoul had been sweet and tender, be Erik's was so much more._

_I went so far as to take another from him. I do not know why I did beyond shadowing doubt. Perhaps I needed more, that I needed to be sure that the first was not some silly misreading of feelings that traveled between us. Perhaps a part of me felt that he would only think the first was merely conjured longing in his troubled mind._

_The second kiss..._

_He must have conquered some on the surprise that made him shiver in the first one. I sensed his immersion into it, to spite the fact he shook so violently with emotion. He touched my hands that framed his cursed face for only a few precious moments, before they fell to my shoulders and pushed me back to arms length. At first, I thought it was rejection 'til I felt the burning in my lungs in a thirst for air. I do not think either of us could breathe beyond a few short gasps._

_We gazed into each other's eyes in weary, unabashed wariness. In that gaze was a silent communication, to which he gave a shaky nod and drifted past me as if in a daze. He seemed so tired and frail then, a sight I am unaccustomed to. He steps were sluggish, heavy. His glance back showed his hesitance, a thought that his next actions would not be good for his health perhaps. But in his hesitance, I saw the longing he struggled to push away from himself._

_I held my ground, feeling a burst of stubborn resolve budding within my spirit. I promised myself to him for the sake of Raoul and a man I did not know._

_Erik must have seen this in me, because he continued his shaky approach to the others. I do not know how he saw it in me, but he always seemed to know me better than I knew myself._

_I did love him. The kisses helped me realize that, and I was ready to remain by his side until the end of time. I no longer feared the darkness; I would show him my light. Raoul...I loved him too...but he didn't need me, not like Erik. I have always felt a draw to helping those in need. In spite of my many selfish actions, I could not bear to bring pain upon anyone when I could make them happy. That is how I got us into this mess. Naivety in thinking I could make everyone happy._

_In a flash, Raoul and the stranger were free, and Erik was ordering them away and to take me with them. I did not want to leave, but I was too stunned to protest when they decided for me once more. In hindsight, it infuriates me to no possible end. However, it is not as though I gave any of these men reason to believe I was capable of making my own decisions!_

_Erik ranted in his madness that 'They' were coming, and we shouldn't let 'Them' find us. He made us promise never to tell. I knew nothing of who or what he spoke. I only knew the safest place in all the world was his home by the lake. No one would find us unless he wanted us found._

_As they led me to the boat outside floating atop the subterranean lake, I looked back to see Erik standing doorway, a tranquil calm spread across his horrid face. It broke me more than anything else, his acceptance of this fate. I broke then, tears spilling down my cheeks. I saw his jaw tense for an instant, but he looked me in the eye and gave a slight nod, encouraging me to leave and be strong. Then, it was over. Raoul and the stranger pulled me away while Erik watched us go._


End file.
